Being out to coach and crew?

[dan26]

transferred from separate glrf collegiate bay message board originally posted on Feb 20, 2007:

 

Copied from a thread I made in Outsports:

 

I have known I was not straight since I was 14, and I admitted to myself that I was, in fact, gay when I was 18. At that time I was facing a lot of personal problems and my self image was pretty poor. Since then things have gotten a lot better in a lot of ways but as of writing this, I am 21 now and still mostly in the closet. Coming out of highschool I had a few concussions which forced to take a sabbatical from playing rugby and socer. I was bored, and at a university where I didn't really know anyone, so I decided I would try out for novice crew, mostly as a way to hopefully get to know people and keep active.

 

So fast forward a couple years and I am rowing in both the Varsity 8 and lwt 4 and looking to go to National selection camp in the spring (this is in Canada btw.). Anyway, the issue is that being in the closet is getting really old. It interferes with relationships, it forces me to hide and sneak around and I just want to be done with it. As far as my team mates go, I am actually not to worried. At this point I am in a position where I have put up enough results that no one can really question my ability or my motivation for being on the team. I know most of the people in the 8 well enough that I am quite sure it won't be an issue, and as far as the others go, well... at this point what they think really doesn't matter insofar as I can always just ask them if they forgot that they were in the JV/3V boat for a reason.

 

Anyway, the imediate problem is the coach. We don't get along very well on a personal level as it is, and this fact has already been reflected in many of his coaching decisions. For example, the this fall the guy made me race for my seat at every opportunity while letting other guys in the boat who were no better than I was hang on to theirs unchallanged. Up to this point I have dealt with the situation baisically by making every time trial and seat race decisive to the point where it is obvious ?who is fastest, but I am really worried that if I come out he might make a decision to have me out of the boat on completely subjective criteria. He can't say it's because I am gay, but he can use any excuse he wants and it will fly with the administration. I have already seen him put a markedly slower athlete in the top boat using the bullshit excuse that the slower athlete had "more development potential" (why can't he develop in the JV boat?). Anyway, if he makes that same decision with regards to me it will have a significant negative impact on my my ability to perform to my full potential at national team camp this summer. I am really stuck on what to do here. Thoughts?

 

 

This is from a ?reply I made and I just added it so I don't give the wrong impression and have you all assuming he is a homophobic jerk or something:

 

-the coach has never once said or done anything to indicate that he has a problem with gay people. What worries me is the fact that I am not on the greatest of terms with him, and the fact that he is known for making erratic coaching decisions. That combined with the fact that he pretty much determines my future in the sport leading into selection camp, has me pretty worried. If I do come out it might give him another reason to try and sideline me.

[rowcoach217]

transferred from separate glrf collegiate bay message board originally posted on Feb 24, 2007:

 

Hi Dan:

 

Sorry to hear things are testy/challenging with your coach. My experience with coaches is that they are not likely to throw their selection even if they don't "like" an athlete. After all, we all want to go as fast as we can.

 

There are of course coaches who are unable to explain their selection clearly, or, who, at times, aren't willing/able to be up front about their reasons. This breeds difficulty for athletes, who can't gauge where they stand, etc. The best thing in the end is to ask very clearly, not "why did person x make it and I didn't?" but rather "what are the limitations I need to work on?" because it makes the coach have to talk to you directly about you. (Whether you buy what he says or not is a different matter, but at least you can hopefully understand the playing field better).

 

As to National Team selection camp:  At the elite level, coaches even more only care about how fast you can make the boat, and there are certainly  gay and lesbian Canadian team members, past and present, and the men's coaching staff has been just fine from what I have heard. Assuming you have the erg score to have been invited, I guess I'm not sure how your current coach is the limitation for you. Yes, the Canadian system is small, and the coaching world even smaller, but if you have the bona fides, the camp is really up to you, not your current coach.  Pull the score, and if he puts you in the 3V, take out a single too, and train.  (US Olympic silver medalist Brian Jamieson was in the 3V his senior year at Yale)

 

As to coming out, if you're ready to be out, be out. My experience is that if you're going to put yourself under the level of pressure required to make a national team, unresolved "issues" will come up on every erg test, every seat race, etc.  Handle your issues first, and then all you have to do is row.

 

Good luck.

[Conny3031]

transferred from separate glrf collegiate bay message board originally posted on Feb 26, 2007:

 

I agree with Rowcoach217. The coaches should not care about who you are dating or attracted to in your private life. They just want the boat to go fast. However, I think that being yourself is the most important thing and maybe you are not on good terms with your coach because he knows that you are hiding something from him. For coaches and athletes it is important to be honest with one another and maybe he feels like there is something between you and him that he cannot get a grasp on.

Coaches want athletes to be open and mentally prepared to race. That doesn't mean that you need to come out. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and others and if it comes out you are gay then so it be. But I wouldn't make it a big deal (if it happens it happens).

Hang in there!

[kgervais]

Hi Dan,

 

I know what you mean about having problems with coaches. I'm first year and just started rowing, 19, swimmer and hockey player, but always wanted to row. Anyways, long story short, I started novice in the fall and got bumped into the JV lightweight boat within a month.

 

I'm out at home, but i find at MAC a lot of people are more closed-minded and I have no clue what to do with sports. Some of my crew know about me, and a bunch of my friends here too, but i'm rather afraid to tell my coach.

 

Anyways, good luck,

 

Kyle

[ByronVye]

Hey, so I realize this was originally posted about a year ago, but I'm new to the site and I thought I'd add a few thoughts. Then again, my friends constantly remind me how much I suck at being gay, so take it as you please. I've been out for a while, but I recently transferred to the University of Rochester, and I wasn't looking foward to the whole coming-out scene again--especially since I had joined the crew team. Truth is, I never really did. Now, I'm not someone you would guess to be gay at all, but all I had to do was be myself and people just sort of eased into it. I never made a big deal of it, so no one else did, you know? As far as coach and crew is concerned, I'm one of the guys--and one of the best at that. I'm the third fastest port ahead of the JV and outside of the V8--and I'm only a novice. Still, that doesn't always matter; I feel like crew coaches are naturally erratic and sometimes just plain heedless, but I've never once taken any of my coach's decisions to boat a worse rower over myself as due to my sexuality. Which, I suppose, doesn't really help your situation at all. I don't know what the social scene is like in Canada, but it can't be all that different from the Siberian wastes of Rochester. And if I can find acceptance, respect, and some of the best, closest friendships I've ever had with my team here, I'm positive you can where you are too. Just be yourself :)

[Irowltw8]

Hey,

 

The point is probably moot by now, but as the original article writer for GLRF's collegiate bay ("Out and Still In," that was me) I thought I'd just throw in my two cents for anyone who cares to read about them.

 

I was out on my crew team, but it was a slow process. I wanted to "prove myself" to them first. It's ridiculous really, but that's what I did. I'm not at all sure it was necessary in retrospect, but that's up to you.

 

I'm still not really sure if my coach knew. Probably, he was a smart guy and probably heard something at some point. But as far as coming out to my coach... it's not something that ever crossed my mind. I didn't hide anything from him, but a situation never arose where we would've talked about that. He was kind of like my dad; conversations about someone's personal life were extremely rare.

 

But maybe your team is different? It's hard for me to tell someone to come out, because it could potentially make things worse. But god, yeah, come out. Life's too short to waste time with that kind of crap.

 

As far as your coach making you seat race-- awesome. Awesome because you keep (kept) showing it to him. If he takes you out (and this is for new people now who might be in Dan's situation, too) your team mates will probably protest! Everyone wants the best people in his/her boat, so I can't imagine sitting by as poor decisions are made.

 

For some of you others who have posted: watch out for those egos! This is coming from someone who won the "best rower in the world--at least he thinks he is" award ;-) . My coach used to tear me town if I was feeling too good about myself. It was great. It meant I knew any compliment he gave was real and that I'd earned it.

 

In the end, you can't control everything. Be your best, be you, fight for what's right, and that's it. Hope this helped and wasn't too boring. I'm only in my mid 20s, but I feel like an old man with the advice here...

[sandymitchell]

Several years later... I'm curious to know how this ended up. Personally, I have coached athletes I have despised and others I have formed strong friendships with. Any professional coach is generally interested in one thing only: what makes the boat go faster.